Republican presidential nominee and former U.S. President Donald Trump reacts at a rally in Las Vegas, Nevada, U.S. September 13, 2024. REUTERS
Ever since Donald Trump claimed that Haitian refugees have been going around eating pet cats and dogs, I’ve been wondering about the nitty-gritty details of this diet. First of all, the poor immigrants (which, all Americans technically are or, at least, once were) allegedly indulging in this diet will have had to get past the huge army of “childless cat ladies” led purportedly, according to Trump again, by Kamala Harris. These ladies would do everything in their power to see that American cats were protected from meeting this fate. And do remember that Harris is the Vice-President. You can imagine what she might do to any cat-eating people she catches if she becomes President. Surely Mr Trump could not object to that.
Secondly, exactly how do you go about catching, killing and cooking cats? You can’t (to the best of my knowledge) buy them tinned at the supermarket. Like Bear Grylls you’d have to become a hunter gatherer – and go out into the suburbs looking for them. Be warned, cats are far more canny and suspicious than dogs (who might come up to you wagging their tails), and will immediately recognise the predatory glint in your eyes (it takes one to know another after all) and will shoot up the nearest tree – and then you’ll be obliged to call the fire services to bring them down.
Okay, and how do you deliver the coup de grace? Ah, you’d say, in America, you’d just shoot them – guns are available to one and all, the law-abiding, the lawless, and babies in diapers. But not so fast: Guns make a lot of noise (as do babies) and this would surely attract childless cat ladies by the dozen who would immediately dial 911 and there goes you and your dinner. So how about catapults or bows and arrows, or crossbows? Or you could throw a spear at them perhaps? Any cat winged by a pebble from a catapult or struck by an arrow is going to screech like a banshee and flee. And how good is your aim with these weapons in the first place? It’s more likely that you’d hit your spouse. And oh, no you do not want to indulge in personal combat with a cat, no matter how hungry you may be.
Okay, let’s assume that through sheer good fortune and very bad driving, you run over a cat… Will you know how to skin and gut it? And what do you tell your kids when you bring it home? “Guess what? We’re having Puddy Tat for dinner!” Or maybe, Garfield or Sylvester or the Cat in the Hat…
I don’t expect anyone to seriously buy the argument that illegal immigrants are sneaking around in people’s gardens or driving around in the streets looking for Persians and Siamese (which are also immigrants). But I’m half expecting Mr Trump to course correct and now claim that perhaps “like in China they have tiger farms, these people have secret cat farms where they harvest the animals and eat them. And there are recipes in The New York Times on how to cook catburgers and catloaf if you read the paper closely enough and can find them! I mean we’re already putting catsup on everything we eat, so we’re as good as there!” That’s garbled, right? Exactly the point!
If illegal or legal immigrants, or for that matter anyone, in a country as wealthy as America has to sneak around hunting pet cats and dogs for dinner – well, it doesn’t say much for the nation and is frankly something every red-blooded American should find insulting, and not just in the way Mr Trump intends it.
Even if you are destitute and desperate, it might be a better option to sneak into people’s gardens and make off with their prize pumpkins, carrots and squashes – one, the vegetables won’t scream and two, everyone is going vegan these days. Alternatively, there is enough food thrown away in garbage bins to feed god knows how many millions of people, so again, here’s an easier option. Even some of the animals are doing this — bears in Alaska that raid garbage bins in towns are fatter and healthier than their country bumpkin cousins.
Really, Mr Trump need not worry. As long as there is an army of childless cat ladies out there, pet cats in the United States will be safe. And yes, too much catsup on your hot dog will make you throw up.
The writer is an author, environmentalist and birdwatcher
© The Indian Express Pvt Ltd
First uploaded on: 16-09-2024 at 11:48 IST
