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How to raise a boy: The first lesson on boundaries starts with the mum — and it’s best drawn as early as possible

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how to raise a boyI can’t help but think that at some level, managing boundaries is about power too in a relationship. (Phoyo: Unsplash)

indianexpress

Pooja Sardana

Nov 18, 2024 09:45 IST First published on: Nov 18, 2024 at 11:45 IST

My go-to book for raising my son has been Steve Biddulph’s Raising Boys: Why Boys Are Different — And How to Help Them Become Happy and Well-Balanced Men. When I first read it, one of the things that stood out for me was the statement, “Wherever you see a gang of boys looking unruly, you know the adult leadership is failing”. Biddulph writes that boys need to know who the boss is. The book was written in 1997, so I take the liberty to update the ideas in today’s context. And today this means learning to respect boundaries. Personal boundaries that others set – “Do not touch my pencil box” and boundaries that he should make for himself – “I will spend only an hour playing Roblox”.

I must admit, I am flexible about institutional boundaries – bunk school once in a while, go closer to the stage than your seat allows, launch a protest if you think schools should not be shut due to pollution. Take those risks, question why rules exist, question if they are fair. But when it comes to personal boundaries, your own or others’, stop right there.

It isn’t easy. My son, at the wonderfully young age of two, decided he wanted to sit in the dustbin at the airport, roll on the floor from the gate to the check-in counter and sleep with a gas lighter under his pillow. Utter cluelessness about raising children on my part (I do have a daughter who is older by three years. Still, this is my first boy) and an adorable albeit bratty wilfulness on his part meant that I used to get exhausted and give in for almost everything. An hour more of TV? Take it. Another Nerf gun? Here it is. Want me to snuggle with you every night at the age of seven? Aww, I can let go of my down time. Want your sister to share her iPad? DD, hand it to him to make him stop crying. These things are too small, I thought. He is too young. Boundaries are big and for “biggers”.

But are they?

I met an acquaintance a few years ago, a young mother with a boy of two. She proudly told me she was going to raise her son so that the woman he lived with in the future would be happy. She then proceeded to leave the gathering because her son called her as he couldn’t find his toy. I wondered “what about the woman this child is currently living with?”. Perhaps, the first lesson on boundaries starts with the mum and it’s best drawn as early as possible.

I soon put an end to my son’s adorable wilfulness. It gave way to him manipulating me. He tried tantrums first that I was prepared for and managed to hold my own for a while. Next came the cuteness overload. He’d snuggle up to me and give lots of hugs and kisses (at a stage that my daughter was beginning to close the door to her room on us), I fell for it and he got away with most of what he wanted. More recently, his tactics evolved to intellectual arguments. This one I fell hard for. How could I not satisfy the curiosity of a growing child? How could I summarily say, “because I say so”? I didn’t want him to grow up not questioning authority, having no spine! So I argued. Each decision would take hours and he would wear me out, till I simply gave in a little. Then I learnt better. It’s been good for my personal growth.

I can’t help but think that at some level, managing boundaries is about power too in a relationship. Or maybe, it is about self-soothing. Maybe there are multiple layers and systems at work and, as a parent, I have to work on handling self-worth, self-soothing and comforting and managing relationships, along with and as a part of, setting boundaries. For now, I am still focusing on basic boundaries.

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The son is 10 now. We have a system of trust score. He respects boundaries – his, mine, the sister’s, the father’s, the cat’s, the help’s and trust goes up. Trust is important to him. He is at 70 right now and wants to get to 90+ and is willing to regulate himself to earn it. We’ve moved on from abstract values and imagined scenarios. We’ve started building an age-appropriate mechanism that reflects real-life relationships and consequences.

I’ll soon have to find the next step, I suspect. He is in his people-pleasing phase right now and willing to do almost anything his friends ask him to, boundaries be damned. For now, to make him understand, I stand on his head. It is a strong head but there isn’t enough space for both my feet and I am precariously balanced.

The writer is a strategy consultant, parent, traveller and lover of wild things

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