Manav* was a typical 14-year-old boy—moody, defiant, with hormones in overdrive and attitude on the rise, when he decided to add the declaration of — “I’m bisexual” — to the mix. Initially his parents were taken aback. “Although my parents are aware of queerness and supportive of the community, it did come as a shock. I used to be moody during those days and they knew something was up but hadn’t quite predicted it was going to be this.” Yet, despite their initial confusion and apprehensions, they rallied around him.
“They’ve been supportive and more careful with their comments now.”
For many queer individuals in India, the social pressure of ‘
coming out
’ — a metaphor used by LGBTQ+ persons to disclose their sexual orientation or gender identity to friends and family — is already daunting. But Manav’s decision to open up to his parents at 14 is just one example of a growing phenomenon of teenagers bravely owning their identities as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender while still a middle grader. What is remarkable is how families and schools are stepping up to guide them through this phase and find acceptance in ways that were once unthinkable.
Now 16, Manav’s realisation of his
queer identity
began as he entered his teens. “I was around 13 or 14 when I started getting drawn to queer literature,” he recalls. “The more I read, the more I could relate to queer love stories than heteronormative ones.”
A family vacation to Turkey further intensified his feelings. It was June, and the street was buzzing with a Pride Parade. “Seeing the parade and a subsequent police crackdown was a reality check,” recalls Manav. “I felt solidarity with the community.” He says it “sparked deeper introspection” and a need to share his truth.
Back at home, Manav summoned the courage to come out to his parents and a year later, to most of his friends at school. “My parents had some questions at first,” he recounts. “There were misunderstandings, too, mainly because they weren’t fully informed. They also worried about how others would react. But it’s been a positive transition for both of us since then.” Coming out to friends had its challenges — “I faced online bullying, with anonymous hateful comments on my Instagram stories which I learned to shrug off” — but brought unexpected rewards. “I’ve made new friends and moved into new social circles because of my gender identity.”
While concrete data on whether kids are self-identifying earlier is scarce, speaking to schools, counsellors, and support groups reveals that teens and, in many cases, preteens as young as six are expressing their gender identity without being dismissed by parents or ridiculed at school.
Several social factors may be contributing to this early expression, educators believe. Positive queer portrayals in popular culture have made it safer for young students to open up about their feelings, points out Aachal Jain, pastoral care coordinator at Mumbai’s Aditya Birla World Academy (ABWA). “Students often explore their identities online or through creative outlets before coming out. They can also find a wealth of resources on the subject today, which likely leads them to self-identify and come out earlier,” she explains.
“It’s no longer a taboo subject at home, nor in school. I know many like me who felt safe and comfortable coming out to their friends and family at 14 or 15,” adds Manav, who found solace in his school environment, at Delhi’s Tagore International School particularly through Breaking Barriers, a club and support group for the LGBTQ community.
Priyanka Randhawa, the project director at Tagore International, knows that discussing identity with family isn’t always smooth sailing. “Sometimes, it’s during our outreach activities that they feel comfortable opening up,” she shares. She encourages students to reflect on what feels right for them personally. “When students want to dive deeper into their identities, we connect them with LGBTQ support groups and counsellors to ensure their journey is genuine, not just about fitting in or being ‘trendy’.”
As counsellor and founder of ABWA’s Rainbow Club, Jain challenges the idea that coming out as queer is about fitting in or being cool. “It comes with a lot of backlash and bullying,” she explains. “Teenagers may not always have the words to define their feelings, but they know when they’re different and are very aware of how the world sees them. It takes real courage to attach a label to themselves.”
Jain has observed more 15 and 16-year-olds opening up during their sessions, with some confidently identifying as gay, demigirl, or pansexual. “We also had a student who, at 13, revealed herself as bi and later identified as asexual when she was passing out of school. That’s how fluid these identities can be,” Jain explains. “The key is acceptance—recognising that whatever they’re feeling is valid.”
Stressing the importance of early parental support, Jain shares a recent case of a six-year-old boy whose parents reached out to her. He wanted to wear lipstick and skirts, and his parents sought advice—not to “fix” him, but to create a more gender-neutral environment at home. “They wanted to help him explore his identity without facing bullying and without negating his feelings,” she explains. “Parents making these efforts marks a positive shift.”
One such parent is Kavya Rao*, mother to ten-year-old Rashi* in Kolkata, who is gradually recognising her child’s identity. “I’m still not sure whether my child is queer,” she says, recounting early signs. “We noticed things from when she was three. She wanted a ‘boy-cut’ for her hair and insisted on wearing only boys’ shirts and shorts. She’d use male pronouns for herself when speaking in Hindi and got upset if someone called her a girl.” As the years passed and Rashi started playing golf, Rao observed more signs. “She’d ask why there had to be separate categories for boys and girls in a tournament.”
Initially, Rao attributed it to a phase. “So, I let her be, gently nudging her towards dresses and clips,” she says. “But by age five, I realised it wasn’t a passing phase and began reading about gender dysphoria.”
Dealing with friends and relatives’ has been a delicate process but she’s learnt to manage unsolicited advice. “I just tell them she’s a girl who likes to dress like a boy and most relatives now avoid buying her girly stuff. Since both Rashi and I are so clear, the environment around her naturally adjusts.”
At one point, Rao did wonder why this was happening. “Now, I understand. My unconditional love for this little human being allows me to see the confusion inside her heart,” she says, reflecting on her journey as a millennial parent. “Time will teach you everything. I joined a support group for parents of LGBTQ children and learned terms like ‘queer,’ ‘normative,’ ‘cis-het,’ and ‘non-binary’ that I was unaware of. I’m creating safe spaces for her and finding more peers for both of us. I’ve learned to accept ‘different,’ and now, I’m learning to be proud of ‘different’.”
*
Names changed for privacy
